Tin Woman

—Warning: slight vent in entry—
It appears I have no heart. For no lack of trying, I can not do anything right, I’m too lazy, too ugly and will never have a man or anything else. Or so I’m told. Arrgh, how I hate self-pity (so much so it makes me want to hit myself with a Nerf bat), however I do not wish to bottle it down for the feelings to fester. So, I’ve written it to get it out. Now, I can go back and strike it out.

Strike out has been done. Am I relieved? I don’t know, as I’m a bit tired, but it’s getting there. It’s not like I had a totally unproductive day, as I did get some cleaning done (got rid of some of the laziness – alleluia).  But, every time I’d sit down, I’d get admonished for being a bad thing (not good enough to be a person, best off dead). So, the goodness within me has been diminished and I’m left feeling sad again. That’s the drive behind what I wrote in the portion I struck out. I feel so dumb for wanting anything ever in this world, like I don’t deserve it. Heck, I probably don’t for the reasons already posted. But, why does it make me to bad to live?

Another side of me interrupts and says:
Poison. Those thoughts, what others said, all of it. Do.Not.Listen. Hold on to the good. Breathe in….breathe out…breathe in…breathe out. Surprisingly, a calm comes from within and starts to push the bad thoughts away.

Thank you, another side. I hold on to its reason with everything I have. And, even with what I don’t.

blog_pearlady

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