Category Archives: Grief

A Life of Ruts, Poetry, and Music to Soothe the Soul

Sometimes I feel like my mind is gone.
I do a task; it helps a bit.
Then, I realize there’s more to do.
Oh, geez…overwhelming thoughts.
Games amuse me, if only slightly.
Reading comforts, for it’s another good escape.
But, can’t escape forever, tasks beckon again.
How can I get it all done? Sighs deeply.
Yet, I hope:
…for improvement
…for wealth
…for something
…for whatever need of the moment.
Is it silly? Perhaps. Selfish? Probably.
There’s an old religious saying: God only gives us as much as we can handle.
But, sometimes I wonder why the burden has to be so great.
Here my pensive thoughts lead to sadness again… we can’t have that for long.

[flips record]

A quote I from a book I recently read revolves in my head:
Maybe life is nothing but ruts. Comfortable ruts–when things are going well. Jarring ruts–when things go wrong. I don’t know. We sort of settle in and feel content with the familiar–even when the familiar is not what we want in life. Are we really fearful of change?” ~The Matchmakers by Janette Oke

Time to shake things up…I’m going to shake it out.

What rut are you in at the moment? And, how can we use it for something good?

it is all in the attitude

“Maintain a positive attitude, so you can grow. And, with this life, you may help others.”

The above quote is advice I might give to a friend in need of something uplifting to help during a time of tribulation, when things just seem to not be going in the person’s way. Yes, I realize it’s not up to me to give advice to anyone for I’m not another person’s creator, but today may be an exception. I am giving this advice to myself.
I find it so hard sometimes to keep uplifting thoughts when bombarded with negativity from another source, particularly a family member or close friend. I feel for the other person, and their emotions make me cringe, and in a moment of weakness, I may react negatively in return. If I do not react outwardly though, the emotions can fester inside, to which I feel the urge to purge, either literally or through some passive action such as tears, writing, walking, or furiously cleaning. My mind reels in what I should do, could do to alleviate the pressure and help the situation/problem at hand. I feel much like the cartoon character Ziggy, looking up for spiritual guidance to maintain my average, hum-drum, thankful-I’m-still-alive, roller coaster of emotions life.

Of course, maybe this picture quote (below) says everything:

Who knows?
Sliced by The Pear Lady

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The good, the bad, and the wtf

Wow, another week is gone, and another round of random thoughts have been added to fritter around in my fricasseed brain. I’d blog more about them, but they tend to pop in at random intervals, so we just have to wait for “poppage”.

Good news of the week: a mystery has been solved! Awhile ago, I posted a video about a guy in a Snickers ad, because I was so sure I knew him. Turns out…yep, I do. He’s a friend from college. He’s also been in several tv shows, too. Isn’t that cool?! šŸ˜€ And, it’s big relief on my brain. LOL

The bad: a blogging friend passed away this weekend – Terry aka the CancerDiva. She was a very nice lady. She made me feel so special when she emailed with me after I gave her feedback on her blog. I prayed she could overcome her disease. But, she gave her all, and helped us understand a little more along the way. And, I shall give my teddy bear a special squeeze for her. Rest in peace, dear friend.

And, the wtf is the flipping slowness of the net these days. Even as I type this entry, I cannot see anything but “network timeout” on page after page. Very frustrating.

PS. Thanks to FB for dumping that lousy new TOS. Here’s hoping they can find something even better!
Sliced by The Pear Lady

Letter to a friend

This is a note to a dear friend I once had, and one of whom I treasure. We parted some time ago, through circumstances beyond control. It took awhile, before I felt I could move on (so I knew I must’ve fell hard), and now I feel I can talk about it again slowly, without totally breaking down into a puddle. I’m not sure what I would say were I to meet up with him again, but I tried drafting something tonight, just to entertain the possibility of such a fantasy coming true.

Dear S,
I miss you dearly. Funny thing it is, for when we first chatted with each other, I never expected you to enter my heart as you did (I was there just to check things out). We were acquaintances, that got together to talk about the day or share a joke or two. I had such fun talking to you since the beginning. That an actual romantic relationship happened in the midst of it all still both amazes me and makes me smile. I loved your intelligent wit, and sensitivity you showed for our friends. Your accent and your taut body helped fuel the fire in my heart, too. (Talk about delicious fruit! heh) I really miss hearing your sweet voice, and the way you cared for what I had to say. Some days, I ache badly because you’re not there. Other moments, I’m angry with you because it all had to end. Though I know it’s not really my fault, that it was your illness, I still blame myself, like I drove you away. My mind dwells on the if-only’s, particularly if only I had been a better girlfriend or if only I would have been more worthwhile, then maybe things would have worked out better. Then, I look at your picture, or some little trinket you gave me during the years, and my heart turns to a melancholy mush. I’m sad, and yet I’m happy that we knew each other, if only for a little while. There goes that “if only” thought again. I can’t help it. You, of all people, know how my imagination runs; sometimes, you even liked it. It’s those moments I may be most appreciative. You let me make you smile, share all sorts of silliness and tender moments, too, and just loved me for who I am. Well, at least that’s what I hope (I feel that way in my heart, but that pragmatic side of me just would hate to see me disappointed, so it inserts doubt, just in case). Anyway…thanks for the memories.

Good night, my friend…where ever you may be.

Sliced by The Pear Lady

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*narratorā€™s voice booms* This post is brought to you in honor of the current theme at  NaBloPoMo [link: Blogrolls /April] for more information).

Tin Woman

—Warning: slight vent in entry—
It appears I have no heart. For no lack of trying, I can not do anything right, I’m too lazy, too ugly and will never have a man or anything else. Or so I’m told. Arrgh, how I hate self-pity (so much so it makes me want to hit myself with a Nerf bat), however I do not wish to bottle it down forĀ the feelingsĀ to fester. So, I’ve written it to get it out. Now, I can go back and strike it out.

Strike out has been done. Am I relieved? I don’t know, as I’m a bit tired, but it’s getting there. It’s not like I had a totally unproductive day, as I did get some cleaning done (got rid of some of the laziness – alleluia).Ā Ā But, every time I’d sit down, I’d get admonished for being a bad thing (not good enough to be a person, best off dead).Ā So,Ā theĀ goodness within me hasĀ been diminished and I’m left feeling sad again. That’s the drive behindĀ what I wroteĀ in the portion I struck out. I feel so dumb for wanting anything ever in this world, like I don’t deserve it. Heck, I probably don’t for the reasons already posted. But, why does it make me to bad to live?

Another side of me interrupts and says:
Poison. Those thoughts, what others said, all of it. Do.Not.Listen. Hold on to the good. Breathe in….breathe out…breathe in…breathe out. Surprisingly, a calm comes from within and starts to push the bad thoughts away.

Thank you, another side. I hold on toĀ its reason with everything I have. And, even with what I don’t.


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